Anyone whoâs shopped for real estate has been there. You find a listing describing a perfect property, not a house, but a HOUSE. It has OPEN FLOOR PLANS and UPGRADES and CURB APPEAL. Then you get there, and, friends, it is just a house.
Thatâs not what weâre dealing with here. It is Opposite Day, ruled by a subversive queen.
Here it is, literally the worst house on the street! The seller has done the hard work of cleaning up the almost half-acre property (it only took 7 dumpsters!), so now is your chance to take it from here.
If youâre like me, someone texted you thelisting for the $69,000 property in Zephyrhillsthis week, and your eyes bugged out of your head.
Have you ever watched HGTV and thought, I could do that? If so, pack up your tape measure and start Googling how to identify a load-bearing wall because itâs time to put your money where your mouth is!
I had to find this comedic sage, who tapped into our collective renovation psyche and broke down the B.S. withone beautiful sledgehammer swing.
âEveryone always told me I could never do sales,â she told me. âBecause Iâm too honest.â
Philippa Main, a 29-year-old Tampa Realtor with a background in marketing and a wickedsense of humor, is behind the viral listing. Main has become something of acelebrity for her turns of phrase extolling the, um, virtues, of this domicile.
I know youâve heard of a detached garage, but have you ever heard of a detached foundation?!
The seller is Suburban Living LLC, a business Main works with to analyze tax auction properties â weighing whether itâs fruitful to rehab. Her client bought this property lastMarch but didnât start the process of listing it until tenants left in November.
It really did take all those Dumpsters. Hundreds of tires were in the yard, with mattresses strewn about. A junk crew took out as much as it could â including the kitchen cabinets. What was left was a dilapidated shell.
âWhen I walked in, I was not prepared for that.â
There is a large, sunny window in the kitchen... and absolutely nothing else â a wonderful feature for someone interested in a bright reading space (and ordering take out for every meal).
The client was game for a funny listing. Main is a natural jokester and loves self-referential comedy. One of her favorite movies isScream, because it makes fun of the horror genre. Applied to real estate, it makes perfect sense.
If you need a place to stage your next post-apocalyptic zombie movie, this is it (the covered porch has really good rest here on your way to the safe zone vibes).
For millennials, she quoted SpongeBob:The roof leaks, the floor creaks, and thereâs a terrible draft.She explained the open concept:By that we mean the inside is open to the outside because several of the windows are broken.And she praised the natural temperature control:Whether you like to turn up the heat or keep it cool, it wonât matter here because there is no HVAC system.
Main also gotacross the merits, the half-acre, the proximity to the highway, the non-flood zone. Finding something to work with in a bad situation has been her approach throughout the pandemic. The key is toâembrace the negativity for five minutes, and let it out,â then âget off the fainting couch.â
In fewer than 10 days, they had an offer. Itâs now under contract.
She doesnât know how often sheâll deploy comedy in future listings; going viral isnât something you can recreate. Main sells around 50 homes a year, and of course,most clients want their listings to sound amazing.
But if youâre looking to mix in a little levity, she said,give her a call.
Donât forget about the brick chimney that perfectly epitomizes how we all feel after 2020 â about to collapse and going nowhere.
Tampa Bay Times